Driver or Passenger?

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Whether or not you feel in charge of your world, as the driver, depends on how you look at things. It plays a big part in how we tackle each day.

In Charge or In Control?

There’s so much talk about being in control in life. Or about control freaks and their need to be in control of, well, everything.

When the reality is, it isn’t really possible to be in control of anything. There are often many other things, or people, involved. And as soon as you get even one more person involved, you lose an element of control.

Let’s think of the delivery of a purchase. Online or not, when it arrives depends on how quickly the order is received in the system. The item(s) need to be picked. Packed, Dispatched. Transported. Delivered. If you’re not home, that can add another step or two by the time you receive the goods.

And right now, there are delays everywhere. From stores being closed. Cities and countries being locked down. All affecting delivery times. And our ability to feel in control.

Can you control these variables? Of course not.

Is it worth getting upset because of things outside of your control? I’ll let you answer that.

Does it change things if you stop thinking in terms of control? I believe so.

Words have power. A lot of power. Take the sentence below:

 You can choose to ‘feel in charge’ instead of wanting to ‘be in control’.

Feeling in Charge amidst chaos

First of all it shifts the focus from control.

Then it says ‘feel in charge’, not ‘be in charge’?

See the difference? Changing that one word has a huge impact on how we view things. How we respond. How we feel.

And if you can feel in charge of yourself, your decisions and your world, no matter what’s in front of you, things will always seem easier.

Health. Work. Home. Relationships. Study. Sport.

Even right now. With job losses, business closures, stay-at-home orders and being told what to do for so many weeks.

It’s a choice. A choice to be the driver.

The alternative?

The flipside is to be a passenger. Let things control you. Circumstances. Situations. Events. People.

There can be a lot of benefits in this. Especially if you prefer excuses and blame to taking ownership and being accountable. Excuses and blame go hand-in-hand with feeling controlled.

The challenge is that another choice is also being made. The choice to respond or react.

Responding or Reacting?

By choosing to feel in charge, you also choose to respond to things. To confront situations and conversations before they escalate. Unpleasant or not, you understand there will be times when you need to clear the air. Or develop a greater understanding. This is an important part of healthy communication and building respectful, healthy relationships.

By choosing to let situations and people control you and your life, you become more compliant. You also open yourself to conflict and being reactive. From niggling frustrations, to full-blown arguments. Conflict is generally the way we deal with things that are unsaid, or where we do and say things to be agreeable. To keep the peace. Forgetting, or maybe not realising, these built up feelings and resentments will find a way to express themselves.

As I write this, I realise something quite ironic. That by relinquishing control, to be compliant, or keep the peace, we also lose our ability to keep the peace. Because we have little control over when conflict may arise, or even how severe it may be. The only hope is that it will, at least momentarily, clear the air.

Downside of Anger

I heard a phrase a few years ago that says it all:

Being angry is like feeding yourself poison and expecting someone else to die.”

Yes, anger is an emotion to be respected and expressed in appropriate ways, at certain times. It’s also something that can be so easily triggered.

Especially when we’re not feeling in charge. Or, worst of all, not feeling in control.

And when you don’t say what you want to say, maybe out of fear, it can lead to snippy and snappy retorts. Frustration. Left unresolved, it can be like water building against a dam wall, until the inevitable angry outburst.

Sure, things may appear to settle. At what cost? And how long for? Because this cycle will repeat until it is changed.

Is there really a choice?

Yes. We choose how we feel. Certainly this can be much harder, or even seem impossible at times. That’s for another day.

If you’d like to know more about drivers and passengers, have a look at the ‘The Excitement Cycle’. And please contact me with questions.

Make the most of driving your life!

Until next time…

Anne