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It’s fair to say that by being quiet since the start of the year, I’ve broken most rules of communication and Social Media, including my own. Except for: ‘stay quiet if you don’t have anything good to say‘, ‘if you have a choice between being kind and being right, choose kind‘ – and ‘if you wouldn’t say it to someone’s face, don’t say – or write – it at all‘. Does that reflect a lack of authenticity?
Saying nothing says everything
I confess. I found the start of 2022 interesting.
Mainly because of what was in the news and on social media. Things that left me wanting to scream in frustration, shake my head in disbelief – and everything in between.
I watched reasonable, educated, intelligent people go down the road of authenticity. Being honest, telling the truth, stating facts – only to be shot down in flames. Often with lasting consequences.
Sure, I knew it was a continuation from last year as things intensified while we moved through different pandemic phases.
I also knew the best thing for me to do was – nothing, and it was challenging!
Now the dust has settled, I can say that doing nothing opened my eyes to what it means to be authentic. How challenging it can be. Wondering if it serves us well. Unsure whether being inauthentic may be a better option.
Find that surprising? So did I. Until I dug a little deeper and reflected more.
The challenge of authenticity
In the past, I’ve been called aloof. Too focussed. Not vulnerable enough.
I’ve also received praise for my diplomacy and ability to see all sides of the story. For being comfortable enough to challenge the status quo. For being a disruptor.
Me being me, I’ve taken the feedback on board. Filtered it to take what helped me whilst discarding the rest.
I always aim to be congruent in how I come across. I focus on being authentic – something I take seriously. Authentic and relevant whilst considerate of others’ views and kind in my approach. Respectful.
And no, I haven’t always got it right. Of course, with some of the fastest learning coming from getting it wrong!
The thing is, I didn’t remember it being as exhausting or challenging before to express myself! Was I doing something wrong?
Instinctively I could see something might need tweaking and changing. The question was, what?
Was I overthinking things? Or paying too much attention to what other people think?
So I started looking for anything to help me ignore and invalidate the creeping feeling that I was missing something.
It led me to look at what it means to be authentic.
Be Yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Your true self
On the face of it, authenticity is about being real. About being true to yourself, your personality, your view of the world and your values. Comfortable enough to express yourself honestly, without worrying what other people think.
I wanted to believe the only challenge lies in what happens when you express yourself honestly. When you say something that others disagree with or don’t like.
That being authentic had a lot to do with how we communicate and how our message is received.
We know there’s a world of difference between comments written or said in haste and those that are well thought out before being aired. Especially online. So, was it the lack of non-verbal cues, or lack of accountability, that was driving decreased rates of compassion and tolerance so evident online?
As true as that may be at times, I had a nagging feeling I was still missing something.
I dived deeper and realised where we start from can be tricky. Understanding and uncovering what – or who – your true self is.
Is our true self that part of us that existed before the expectations and experiences of life came along? Ones we allowed to change us in ways that took us away from our authentic self?
Or is our true self the part of us that responds – or reacts – to our experiences and shapes us into the person we are at any moment in time? Aiming to blend that authenticity with honesty, vulnerability, respect, common sense and kindness as we navigate each situation, conversation and experience?
In other words, when we hold ourselves back from commenting for even a moment, is it because we care too much about what people think? Or are we being cautious because we’re aware of what will cause discomfort or distress -to us or others – if we say or write it?
Towards genuine authenticity
The conclusion I’ve come to is that being authentic is not about oversharing. Nor is it about speaking or writing before we think, especially when we feel ‘gripped’ or highly emotional about something.
Genuine authenticity comes from showing respect for yourself and others whilst conveying your message. That means slowing down in the moment to take a breath until the emotion passes, enabling you to express yourself as your true self rather than your emotional self.
So, it’s also about trust. Trusting you’ll always say or write the right thing. After all, once it’s spoken or written, it’s out there. Whatever the outcome or consequence.
Does it mean we shy away from challenging conversations? Not at all. Even though honest, authentic – or challenging – conversations are likely to take more energy and focus, they hold in them the potential for learning and change. That represents an opportunity for positive outcomes for people, groups and teams.
The world has shifted a lot since the start of the year, and people too. We continue to see the best and worst of human nature. Let’s hope that continues to shed light on how to be the version of ourselves we want to be.
Until next time…
Anne